Wake these dry bones.

I have not written in so long, but, I think that I am going to try it again.

My mind has been going a million miles an hour these last few months and I needed a place to write my thoughts. A lot of what I will write will be ramblings and you may not understand. Just know, that this is a place for me to clear some of my head.

Dry Bones-

I have been thinking a lot of where my life is going. Why am I where I am in this stage in life. If you would have asked me 10 years ago, I would have told you that I would have been married by the time I was 33 with a kid or two. Well, this year, when I turn 33, I will not have a husband, nor will I have children. Does this make me sad? Yes. Do I think that God has someone for me? Maybe. Am I giving up? Some days I feel like it.

BUT...

Life isn't about MY plans.

As difficult as this concept it, I have to accept it. God has his timing and I have mine. Why should I worry about the 'What could have been's'? They weren't supposed to happen and I have to be okay with that.

My FOCUS needs to be on Christ, not on ME and my past relationships.

NO LOOKING BACK

My whole being has been dry-dead-gross lately by dwelling on these things. I can't let that be. I can't let who I think I should be stand in the way of WHO I AM in Christ!

No more comparison. God has me in a different place than my friends and family. I need to embrace our differences and not compare myself to others. Now, that is a tricky trap to get into and it is SO easy to get trapped. So pray for me as I journey to freedom from this sticky mess I am in.

Wake these dry bones.

The Unknown

The Unknown-

There are so many things that are unknowns in our lives. Most of them we don’t really think about often. When am I getting married… What am I having for supper… Who is going to win this football game…  I have had some weird unknowns in my life. I might make them to be more than what they are (I could be a little dramatic) I had surgery on my eye twice. The second time (a week after the first surgery) my doctor told me that he couldn’t guarantee that I would be able to see and that this surgery would work. He said that even if the silicone band holds my retina for now, doesn’t mean it won’t become detached again. So, there is that unknown. The recent unknown is a lump I found in my axilla. I didn’t want to get it looked at. I figured the pain would go away after a few days. It didn’t. I called and made an appointment and got checked out. My doctor was concerned and sent me for another appointment. So, this morning I went to the Breast and Bone health clinic for a more in depth exam.

The nurse hands me a cape (yes, a cape… not a gown) and tells me to put this on with the opening in the front and then sit down in this holding chamber (lol) with an elderly woman wearing the same cape. I get checked out by 3 different people and then a nurse tells me that they want me to come in for yet another appointment. Ugh- more unknowns. She told me that I have an irregular lymph node and they need to take samples of it. They have no idea what would be causing this, especially since I am healthy.

Friday I get to go back and have a needle jabbed in and out of my armpit multiple times so they can get a tissue sample. She said that basically they will have the needle scrape the lymph node multiple times to get enough cells to test. She also said that they may need to do this 2-3 times in order to get enough to test. More unknowns.  Can’t I just have something simple? Why can’t I just have an easy problem?

Then I got convicted by this quote…

“It never ceases to amaze me when God wants to take someone to the next level in their life and they let fear of the unknown rob them of tremendous blessings. I think there are two common problems with Christians- They are scared to death of being truly free and of God's overwhelming love.” 
― R. Alan Woods, The Journey Is the Destination: A Book of Quotes With Commentaries

While on the World Race, God gave me a vision of what I was doing in my life. He showed me why I wasn’t free. Every time I ‘let something go’ I hang on to a tiny thread of it. The more I think about it, the more this fear or whatever starts unraveling and falling back onto me. I am doing that again now. Why am I afraid? I KNOW that God is the healer and provider. I KNOW that God has a plan for my life and this bump in the road is not going to stand in the way. I KNOW that I am a BLESSED (that is for you mom) Child of a KING. I KNOW that I am loved beyond any measure. I KNOW that I can be free if I LET GO… So why do I hold on? Why can’t I give up that control? Just because my future is unknown to me doesn’t mean that God doesn’t know what the heck He is doing. Do I wish I knew the plan? Yes! Do I want that power? No thank you. My God is a God of power and a God of life. I will leave my life in his power.

So, with that- I will try to let go of the fear…

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Single

Single:

Ugh- Sometimes it really bothers me. Let’s face it… No one wants to be alone. We weren’t created to be alone. I know that people will say “This is the perfect time to spend with God or travel or something else- no one is holding you back”. I am 30- I’ve had PLENTY of single life. I am thankful that I WAS able to travel the world and to help the hurting people in this world. But, now I am ready for the next thing. It doesn’t help that people ask when I am going to get married or if I am ever going to have children even if I am not married because I am already 30, ya know. Clock is ticking.

I joined E-Harmony a few months back and have exchanged a few emails with people, but, that was it. Nothing went anywhere. Either I am not interesting enough to them or I am too picky when choosing. I wish I could say that I have met anyone and it just didn’t click on the first date… but, nothing has even progressed that far. I have never been one to date much at all, so I guess it isn't a big deal… I will keep telling myself that, but, that is not how I feel anymore. I want to date… I want to be pursued… I want to move on with the next chapter. I am tired of waiting. Haven’t I learned enough patience, God?

Ephesians 4:1-2  I, therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, entreat you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing forbearance to one another in love.

I have gone through some rough patches and I think, how awesome would it be to come home from a bad day at work and just melt into my husband’s arms and let him help me through. Sure, I have great friends in my life that I can ‘vent’ to, but the relationship with a spouse is going to be different. We will live everyday together. In good times and bad times, in sickness and in health… we will have one another’s backs and be able to stand when the other can’t.

Galatians 6:9  And let us not lose heart in doing good, for in due time we shall reap if we do not grow weary.

Am I lonely? Yes. Would I like to be married? Yes, indeed, but it is all in timing. I know that God’s timing is perfect and that my Husband is out there praying for me… even before we meet. I have always prayed that God would spare my heart in relationships. I asked that He would give me big signs if I was not with the person He wanted me to be with. He answered that prayer each time with no heartbreak. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be with the men I was with and God made it known. (Some of the ‘signs’ are pretty funny, and I can’t wait to share them someday)

I am going to go back to the word I used a few days ago… HOPE. I do have HOPE and the FAITH that God will bring me a husband. I am not giving up hope. I may get lonely at times, but I am never alone. I am excited to be a wife and mom one day. I am ready for that day, but, I will wait on His perfect timing…Even if I don’t know when.

Isaiah 30:18 (ESV) Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.

Disappointment

Disappointment:

I get disappointed. Wow… Shocker… We all do. I get disappointed in myself more than I do of others.  I make stupid mistakes and fail EVERY. SINGLE . DAY. There are things that I wish I could do better and things that I wish would come more easily to me. But, they don’t and I fail. I am a failure. No big deal right? No, it is a big deal. I am going to open up some pretty fresh stuff not many people know right now. Are you ready?

I suck at school.

Yep, I am a terrible student. This semester I put in numerous hours into one class and still not passing with a grade that will allow me to move forward. I can sit here and place the blame on my teacher for being too hard, or the material not being clear, or the muscles not being labeled well enough, etc. But, that is not where the problem lies. Have you heard the saying “when you point your finger at someone, there are three fingers pointing right back at you”? That is the most true statement I have ever heard! The blame is on me. I could be a better student. I could devote more time to studying and getting the help I need to pass the class. But, I didn’t.

I gave up.

Here is the shocker… I stopped going to my class. I bombed one test and threw my hands up in defeat. I felt like a failure and wanted to hide from my problem. This isn’t the first time in my life I have given up either. When I was on the World Race, I gave up many times. But, God is funny. He puts people in my life that make me pull up my big girl panties and get on with life. There are no tantrums allowed. This semester has been rough and I have been super stressed out with this class. My time of defeat was coming, and I gave into that.

Victory comes out of our despair.

I talked with a friend yesterday and words spewed out of my mouth about not holding onto fear and not holding onto the past. As I was telling her to speak life and joy into her own life…proclaim the VICTORY in her life, I was feeling the victory in my life. It is funny how that works. I was preaching to her and the words kept coming and I was in tears knowing that I need to be doing the same things that I was telling her to do. I needed to believe in the victory. Not because I didn’t want her to call me a fraud, but because I needed to hear the same message I was preaching. The words were not my own and they were very powerful.

Hope.

I may have been a failure and will be a failure in the future, but, I know that there is victory and that I will overcome the bumps in the road along the way. I just need to be reminded now and then. I am grateful for the people in my life who kick my butt and make me get up again. It usually takes more than one person, but, I do get back up and move forward again.  I re-registered for the class in the spring and I am excited to start fresh with a new perspective.

My goal for you is to live life to the fullest of your ability. When times have you down and you feel like a failure, pull up your big girl panties and get up. Ask God to bring you people of peace who will tell you to get up, no matter how bad you feel about yourself. Buckle up those boot straps and just keep swimming. (Ok, that is a lot of random clichés all in one, but you won’t forget it now!) 

#firstworldproblems

#firstworldproblems

Really?! First world problems? I know it is supposed to mean that we have such small inconveniences here in the United States that affect our everyday lives… Such as “My barista forgot my extra foam, looks like a sad day for me…#firstworldproblems” This is really a pet peeve of mine. Instead of pointing out little flaws in your everyday mundane life, find the joys and make your first world problem a first world blessing. Maybe this shouldn't irritate me as much as it does, but, I am wondering how we can, as first world’ers, help those who are not. How can we turn our hearts to help others? Instead of complaining about your latte, how about skipping the latte next week and putting a fund together to buy a well for a third world’er. Heck, you can even call it the save a little, bless a ‘latte’ or something corny like that.

We are allowed to be annoyed at things in life. It comes with being human. We are a super emotional being no matter how you respond to things. I could go on about how I have tons of medical debt because I had a detached retina that needed fixed twice in a week and no insurance. BUT- I am not going to complain about that. It is easy for me to say ‘God Provides’ or “God will provide’. The truth of the matter is that I am thankful that I can see. I am thankful for living in the first world where I can get medical care in the blink of an eye (pun intended) when I was losing my vision. I am thankful that regardless of whether or not I had insurance, they accepted me. I did not have a waiting list to go on to be seen, I was able to walk in without an appointment. Had I been in most other countries that may not have not been the case. To take this a step further and relate more on a day to day occurrence, let’s talk cell phones. I have been to the bush of Africa and I know they have cell phones, even if they don’t have running water. But, I get annoyed that my cell dies in the building I work in very quickly. I am glad that I don’t have to pay a random person to charge my phone via car battery and hope it doesn't explode.  First World Problems… I just don’t get it. I know it is meant for sarcasm, but this needs to stop. We need to figure out a way to bring third world problems to light and help others.

We get caught up in ourselves and our drama that we forget about others. I am not talking about every orphan in the world, but to think of the others in our neighborhood. Missions start in your neighborhood.  As cliché as that sounds, it is the truth. People are doing the 30 days of thankfulness right now on Facebook. It is great to see what people are thankful for, but are you thanking the one who gave it all to you… to the one who gave it all FOR you? My challenge for you this month would be that you would think of ways to bless a stranger. Not just a one-time deal either. I mean really bless them. Be the light they see in the darkness of this world. There are so many people falling apart out there. You may be able to show them hope and the love that Christ wants us to share.  Be the change that shakes up the atmosphere HERE and then shake up the third world’ers.

“Faith, Hope and Love abide. The greatest of these is Love” 1 Cor.  13:13